Excusing Is Often Inexcusable

To enjoy intimate and authentic relationships, we must be able to understand and forgive others and ourselves. But we women sometimes confuse excusing with understanding and forgiving. Excusing, a codependent and childish habit, is the first cousin of denial. Excusing others and ourselves lets us off the hook by not addressing the consequences or responsibilities of our behavior. Alcoholic families frequently "pivot" around excuses.

Inherent in the process of excusing is our willingness to take responsibility for the actions of others. Continually excusing unacceptable actions does not create a climate that fosters growth and learning, in fact it may be an implied put-down. When we excuse the inexcusable, we are subtly saying that the person who is excused is not capable of right behavior.

On the other hand, understanding is a strong strand in our emotional safety net. Understanding our own and others' actions and attitudes provides an honest framework in which we can create an atmosphere of acceptance and forgiveness - an environment in which people and relationships can mature and thrive.

Understanding requires commitment, energy, and the willingness to be with others and ourselves in a heartfelt and open way. We need to make the effort to search for the causes and motives behind our own negative behaviors or attitudes and do what is necessary to heal them. Of course we can't do that for others, but we can tell them when their behavior is unacceptable to us and gently remove ourselves from their presence.

Excusing may be initially more effortless than awareness, but it does not lead to intimacy, honesty, or authenticity.